In response to the Republican and Democratic party takeovers by upstarts, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton today held a joint press conference to announce the creation of a third major political party. This new bi-partisan third party is designed to be a safe place where Washington political, business, and media leaders can congregate without fear of outside interference or opinions. Hillary Clinton kicked off the press conference with the following statement.
"Today we make history. Today, we put aside our past differences and unite the political establishment, both Republicans and Democrats. No longer will our parties be subject to the whims of angry candidates and disaffected voters. Today, we bring to our nation the first new major political party in over 160 years. We introduce the Plutocratic Party of the United States of America. Today, Mitt and I, along with hundreds of our colleagues — Senators, Representatives, Governors, former Presidents, CEOs and corporate leaders — are proud to say that we are no longer Republicans, and we are no longer Democrats. We are Plutocrats! Thank-you."
Clinton and Romney proceeded to outline the major tenets of the new party by presenting the Plutocratic Party Platform. First and foremost on the party's agenda was election reform.
Hillary Clinton: "We've found this election cycle that Superdelegates are not a strong enough deterrent to outside candidates. And, we can learn a lot from international relations, especially our newfound friendly relations with Iran. So all candidates, to run for office, must first be approved by the Plutocratic Party's Supreme Leaders. Our first Council of Supreme Leaders will consist of four members — Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, Dick Cheney, and my longtime friend and ally, Debbie Wasserman Schultz."
Mitt Romney: "I might add, that's just for starters, for the primaries. For the general election, we've detailed all reforms in a new piece of legislation, the Voter Suppression Act of 2016, which you can download at our new website, Plutocrats.com. We fully support voter suppression, and the principle of 'one dollar, one vote'. Look, voting is far too important to leave in the hands of ordinary people."
Hillary Clinton: "I'd like to switch gears and talk about the economy, and foreign policy, two of my greatest areas of expertise. Our domestic economy and our foreign policy are not two separate things, they're intertwined. And as we all know, nothing stimulates the economy better than a good war. We're finding a tremendous number of war opportunities overseas. But we can't be passive about this. We have to proactively go out and create more opportunities. That's exactly what I did as Secretary of State, and that's something I promise to do for this country ten times over if elected President."
Mitt Romney: "You're not running for President anymore. Remember?"
Editor's note: Hillary Clinton today dropped out of the 2016 presidential race after landslide defeats in the last five of six voting states (not to mention she was facing more humiliating defeats in the next two contests of Wisconsin and Wyoming).
Hillary Clinton: "Well, it's hard to get out of the habit. Just wait until 2020!"
Mitt Romney: "Let me add something while we're talking about economy and foreign policy. Obviously, our friends in the defense industry have to make a living too. But that's not what this is all about. This is about stimulating the economy. We're going to raise the minimum wage for CEOs. We're going to get rid of regulation. We're going to get rid of competition. We're going to get rid of dissention. This is about making America stronger, making our economy stronger, making our military stronger...making America great again!"
Hillary Clinton: "I've heard that one before."
Mitt Romney: "Donald Trump stole that slogan from me. I made it up while we were golfing in 2012. But really, our main economic challenge is there aren't enough bad guys to go around. We got rid of Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi, Osama Bin Laden, and with Kim Jong-un going away in 2017, there'll be no one...no bad guy left with enough celebrity status. It's like, right now, we take out one of these Al-Qaeda or ISIS guys every other day, but no one seems to care."
Hillary Clinton: "You weren't supposed to mention our secret North Korean plan."
Mitt Romney: "Oh"
Hillary Clinton: "We have time to take a couple of questions from the press."
Question: "What about health care?"
Hillary Clinton: "We've consulted with our friends in the medical, pharmaceutical, and insurance industries, and we've come up with a comprehensive health care plan, a plan that makes health care a private matter between a patient, her doctor, her insurance company, and the federal government."
Question: But what about Obamacare?
Hillary Clinton: "I was talking about Obamacare. We like it just the way it is. The whole thing was Mitt's idea, anyway, back when he was Governor of Massachusetts."
Question: "What's the Plutocratic Party's stance on Abortion? ...and on Gun Control?"
Mitt Romney: "To be quite frank, both of these issues are just a bunch of hot air coming out of politicians. It's really easy to make promises about abortion, and about gun control, because once you're elected, you don't really have to do anything, except just keep talking and making more promises...and talking is what we do best! Personally, none of us really care one way or another. Most of us have been on both sides of these issues, and both sides make great arguments. I know I've been on both sides, and I just want to tell people that...I...DON'T...REALLY...CARE. Even if we did care, there's nothing we could do once elected. All of that stuff is decided by the Supreme Court. But you know what, go ahead people...waste your vote on these issues, if that's what floats your boat. So that's the Plutocratic Party's stance: WE DON'T CARE."
Question: If the Democrats are Donkeys, and the Republicans are elephants, what's the Plutocratic Party's symbol going to be?
Mitt Romney: "What's bigger than an elephant? A dinosaur? A whale? We're going to be the party of the whale."
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